“In the struggle between capital and labor, I always say fuck it and side with myself. That’s right, I’m both. Haven’t you heard of The Jay Cutler Foundation? Do you know how much…What? It’s a non-profit? Well, maybe for you.”
“I’d like to thank Michael Bush, Major Wright, Robbie Gould, and not Brandon Marshall for helping me win the game Sunday. Oh, and the defense, I guess. But mostly Sam Bradford and his O-Line. Once pressured you can always count on an Indian to self-destruct. 2 INT? 6 sacks? What were those throws? A creation myth? (What Up Vandy Comp Lit Dept?) AFTER EATING THE RAM THE BEAR WAS STILL HUNGRY. LITTLE SAM WAS SCARED FOR HIS FRIEND THE PIG SO HE THREW PIG INTO THE SKY. BUT THE BEAR WAS TOO BIG. THIS IS WHY WE HAVE INTERCEPTIONS.
I gotta stop doing coke in the afternoon. I need something more constructive to do while skipping team meetings. God, why is my DVR filled up with Laguna Beach Seasons 1-2? What the fuck is Laguna Beach?”
“In retrospect, I probably should have completed more passes to my own players than I did to the Green Bay defense. Also, next game I’m thinking we just declare all of the linemen eligible receivers and send them deep on every snap. The protection would be the same, but at least I’d have more bail-out options.”
“What would be really nice right now would be if that Bane guy came and blew up Lambo Field like he did at the end of The Dark Knight Rises.”
“If I’m being honest, when they kept saying ‘Bush’, I thought I was handing it to Reggie. But this Michael guy’s pretty good too.”
“Who? Oh yeah, him. Fuck that guy.”
“Not gonna lie, the 5 Bud Light Limes I had in the locker room really lifted my spirits. Oh, I don’t drink Natty anymore. I’m a dad now. I have to be more responsible.”