Jay Cutler on Smokin’ Jay Cutler

“Whoever created Smokin’ Jay Cutler thinks it’s funny to paste and photoshop a picture of a burning cigarette onto a picture of my mouth, my face. Yeah, maybe. Still, it’s a lazy move. First, do some research. I only smoke Camel No-Filters. Do you think I want to filter that unique blend of Turkish & Domestic Tobacco & Cocaine? Go ‘Dores. I mean, shit dude. What do you think I smoke? Kools? Who am I? Brandon Marshall? Marion Barry? Barry Obama?”

“Seriously though. Who am I?”


Jay Cutler on His New NFL Women’s Apparel Commercial

“OK, Bears Fans. Guess the over-under on how many of those chicks I chose for that commercial. I’ll give you a hint: they all blew me.”

Jay Cutler on the Oscars

“I don’t really go to the movies. I do Netflix. Also, I sure as hell didn’t have any kind of queer viewing party. If you ever see me at an event in a tux playing grab-ass with a bunch of people less talented than me, it’s probably an ESPY after party. I didn’t see any of the movies up for awards anyway. I heard there was one movie about Mila Kunis going down on Natalie Portman though, so I’ll probably Netflix that.”

Jay Cutler on Charlie Sheen

“I mean, I loved him in Hot Shots. Why do you ask? Did he do something to warrant a question about him?”

Jay Cutler on Commodore-on-Commodore violence

“Yeah, I saw the video. I didn’t watch it too closely. I was trying to spot talent in the crowd. Anyway, if you get bitch slapped in the nose by a mascot, you might as well transfer, especially when people are saying it happened because you molested him. In my day, we groped top-shelf sorority girls at sweet basement parties. No one groped Mr. C. This makes me think twice about going back for business school. I don’t know. Maybe I’m overreacting. My last visit was pretty fucking good.”

Jay Cutler on the offseason

“The best part of the offseason is being able to watch real fucking movies, not stupid game tape. And then there’s no practice. It’s great. I can get high and watch ‘The Last Waltz’ without Lovie calling me every five minutes leaving me voicemails like, ‘It’s Wednesday, a little after three. Where are you?'”

Jay Cutler on Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber

“Oh, bro, that’s Selena Gomez? She’s dating Justin Bieber? Why did she show up to my house with Olsen the other night? And why did I fuck her? And she’s 18? She told me she was 16. I hate it when girls lie about their age.”