Jay Cutler on Smokin’ Jay Cutler

“Whoever created Smokin’ Jay Cutler thinks it’s funny to paste and photoshop a picture of a burning cigarette onto a picture of my mouth, my face. Yeah, maybe. Still, it’s a lazy move. First, do some research. I only smoke Camel No-Filters. Do you think I want to filter that unique blend of Turkish & Domestic Tobacco & Cocaine? Go ‘Dores. I mean, shit dude. What do you think I smoke? Kools? Who am I? Brandon Marshall? Marion Barry? Barry Obama?”

“Seriously though. Who am I?”


Jay Cutler on His New NFL Women’s Apparel Commercial

“OK, Bears Fans. Guess the over-under on how many of those chicks I chose for that commercial. I’ll give you a hint: they all blew me.”

Jay Cutler on the NBA

“I don’t watch it. I was first-team All-State in high school. But in Santa Claus, Indiana, I played mostly against other kids like me. You know, we played that old-school, team-style basketball. Sure there’d be one, maybe two of them on every team– I hate ball hogs. Oh, I almost forgot to mention something: There are videos on Youtube of me dunking. I can go Billy Fucking Hoyle on some ball hogs, bro.”

Jay Cutler on the offseason

“The best part of the offseason is being able to watch real fucking movies, not stupid game tape. And then there’s no practice. It’s great. I can get high and watch ‘The Last Waltz’ without Lovie calling me every five minutes leaving me voicemails like, ‘It’s Wednesday, a little after three. Where are you?'”

Jay Cutler on Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber

“Oh, bro, that’s Selena Gomez? She’s dating Justin Bieber? Why did she show up to my house with Olsen the other night? And why did I fuck her? And she’s 18? She told me she was 16. I hate it when girls lie about their age.”

Jay Cutler on professional conduct

“I can’t fucking stand Ben Roethlisberger, but it’s not what you think. I’m not hating on him for what he did, that’s whatever. It’s more that he was dumb enough to get caught.”

Cutler on aspirations

“If I wasn’t an all-pro NFL QB, I’d still be in Nashville, at Vandy getting my MBA, scheming on undergrads on Franklin Street. God, that’d be fucking sweet.”