Jay Cutler on His New NFL Women’s Apparel Commercial

“OK, Bears Fans. Guess the over-under on how many of those chicks I chose for that commercial. I’ll give you a hint: they all blew me.”

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Jay Cutler on the NBA

“I don’t watch it. I was first-team All-State in high school. But in Santa Claus, Indiana, I played mostly against other kids like me. You know, we played that old-school, team-style basketball. Sure there’d be one, maybe two of them on every team– I hate ball hogs. Oh, I almost forgot to mention something: There are videos on Youtube of me dunking. I can go Billy Fucking Hoyle on some ball hogs, bro.”


Jay Cutler on being seen walking around with Kristin Cavallari

“Look, I injured my knee. I didn’t have it amputated. Walking around and taking your ‘girlfriend’ to obnoxiously expensive sushi restaurants is not the same as playing football. None of this bullshit would have happened if the team hadn’t listed me as ‘questionable’ when there was no way in hell I was coming back. There’s nothing ‘questionable’ about me. Not my sexuality, and certainly not my ability to play football.

Also, two things to clarify: No, we were not eating with Lance Bass, and yeah, I’m really into cardigans this winter.”


Jay Cutler on his sideline demeanor

“I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m going to visit you at work. I’m going to make your working conditions really, really shitty. Then, I’m going to tell you that if you do your job today the best you’ve ever done it, I’m going to give you Superbowl tickets and more money and pussy than you ever dreamed of. Then, I’m going to injure you in such a way that makes it all but impossible to perform your job at all, let alone well. After that, I’m going to let an old guy from accounts receivable and then a 21 year-old intern have a go at it. If they can still manage to do your job better than you’ve ever done it, the tickets, money, and pussy are still yours.  Guess what? It isn’t happening.

Now, tell me how fucking happy you would be to watch that scene play out.”


Jay Cutler on field conditions

“Howie Long said the field looked like someone had taken a 9 iron to it because of all the divots. It looks that way because that’s exactly what happened. Golf season’s coming up in a few months and my slice isn’t going to straighten out by itself.”


Jay Cutler on tomorrow’s game starting at 3PM Eastern

“Now I can stay out until 6:00 AM instead of 4:00 AM. Fucking crucial, bro.”


Jay Cutler: A day in the life

“A perfect weekend for me (aka every weekend) goes something like this:

SATURDAY

8 AM – Wake up. Just kidding, I just passed out 2 hours ago.

Noon – Wake up, roll off of whatever followed me home last night. Shower in my very expensive, multi-directional shower stall.

12:45 PM – Hair of the dog.

1 PM – Some bullshit meeting about tomorrow’s game. I elect to telecommute.

2 PM – Get some reps in at my building’s state of the art, resident only gym. Just working on the beach muscles. Gotta get swoll for the off-season days spent on my boy’s yacht on Lake Michigan.

3 PM – Shoot a text to my boy Olson. We’re going to make it rain at Best Buy.

3:45 PM – One swipe of my black Amex assures me my new 72″ 3-D HDTV will be delivered and installed by 6 PM. Also spent like $300 on one of those alarm clocks with a hidden DVR for my bedroom. Fucking priceless.

4 PM – Start working on a new playlist for tonight’s party. Blow like $400 on iTunes because Olson insists I can’t just play DMB and ‘I don’t Wanna Lose your Love’ on repeat again.

5 PM – Start drinking. Olson and Hester arrive. Spend next hour laughing my ass off referring to Hester as an “affirmative-action invite”. High-five Olson several times.

6 PM – Before I forget, send KCav a text telling her ‘Sry I can’t B there 4 the InStyle magazine party 😦 ‘. Ha.

8 PM – Guests arrive, and by guests I mean girls I don’t know that I had my publicist round-up. Consider hiring a new publicist. I don’t care if it’s fucking December, it’s called a tanning bed and a treadmill.

8:20 PM – Head to the roof, where I have an even larger and more expensive kegerator.

9:30 PM – See some girls talking to Olson. Crack myself up by going up to them and being like ‘Hey, what’s it like to meet a talented football player? Or, if I’m not around, my boy Olson here?’. Repeat ad nauseum.

11:30 PM – Buzzing pretty hard, but the adderall’s keeping me focused. Time to think about getting my D wet. Start screening girls by asking them a) their bra size and b) ‘how many 3-point runs did I score in the last match against the Celtics?’.

12:30 AM – We have a winner, with her answers being “32 D” and “eleventy-five?”. Start showing other guests the door. Tell Hester he can sleep on the couch if he wants his alarm clock to be ‘my white balls slapping against this bitch’s ass’. He declines. I ask her if she wants to watch a movie on my new TV. Of course she does.

12:45 AM – One-way ticket on the Pound Town express. First and only stop, Drillville.

12:52 AM – Pass out. Question: How long does it take the average woman to reach orgasm? Answer: Who the fuck cares?

SUNDAY

My Sundays are a lot like yours, with a lot of drinking and football. Like you, I throw down a shit ton of beer during the games. Unlike you, I’m actually playing in them. I try to arrive at the stadium at least 10 minutes before kickoff. Can’t stress the importance of punctuality.”