Jay Cutler: A day in the life

“A perfect weekend for me (aka every weekend) goes something like this:


8 AM – Wake up. Just kidding, I just passed out 2 hours ago.

Noon – Wake up, roll off of whatever followed me home last night. Shower in my very expensive, multi-directional shower stall.

12:45 PM – Hair of the dog.

1 PM – Some bullshit meeting about tomorrow’s game. I elect to telecommute.

2 PM – Get some reps in at my building’s state of the art, resident only gym. Just working on the beach muscles. Gotta get swoll for the off-season days spent on my boy’s yacht on Lake Michigan.

3 PM – Shoot a text to my boy Olson. We’re going to make it rain at Best Buy.

3:45 PM – One swipe of my black Amex assures me my new 72″ 3-D HDTV will be delivered and installed by 6 PM. Also spent like $300 on one of those alarm clocks with a hidden DVR for my bedroom. Fucking priceless.

4 PM – Start working on a new playlist for tonight’s party. Blow like $400 on iTunes because Olson insists I can’t just play DMB and ‘I don’t Wanna Lose your Love’ on repeat again.

5 PM – Start drinking. Olson and Hester arrive. Spend next hour laughing my ass off referring to Hester as an “affirmative-action invite”. High-five Olson several times.

6 PM – Before I forget, send KCav a text telling her ‘Sry I can’t B there 4 the InStyle magazine party 😦 ‘. Ha.

8 PM – Guests arrive, and by guests I mean girls I don’t know that I had my publicist round-up. Consider hiring a new publicist. I don’t care if it’s fucking December, it’s called a tanning bed and a treadmill.

8:20 PM – Head to the roof, where I have an even larger and more expensive kegerator.

9:30 PM – See some girls talking to Olson. Crack myself up by going up to them and being like ‘Hey, what’s it like to meet a talented football player? Or, if I’m not around, my boy Olson here?’. Repeat ad nauseum.

11:30 PM – Buzzing pretty hard, but the adderall’s keeping me focused. Time to think about getting my D wet. Start screening girls by asking them a) their bra size and b) ‘how many 3-point runs did I score in the last match against the Celtics?’.

12:30 AM – We have a winner, with her answers being “32 D” and “eleventy-five?”. Start showing other guests the door. Tell Hester he can sleep on the couch if he wants his alarm clock to be ‘my white balls slapping against this bitch’s ass’. He declines. I ask her if she wants to watch a movie on my new TV. Of course she does.

12:45 AM – One-way ticket on the Pound Town express. First and only stop, Drillville.

12:52 AM – Pass out. Question: How long does it take the average woman to reach orgasm? Answer: Who the fuck cares?


My Sundays are a lot like yours, with a lot of drinking and football. Like you, I throw down a shit ton of beer during the games. Unlike you, I’m actually playing in them. I try to arrive at the stadium at least 10 minutes before kickoff. Can’t stress the importance of punctuality.”

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